df taylor

I’m really starting to dislike London. This is the third time I’ve been down in the last six months and, every single time, I’m assaulted by melancholy and dark thoughts. Well, not Peter Sutcliffe dark, but dark for me.

That’s a bit sad because, overall, I’m having a pretty good time. Some new opportunities might be around at work (which will get me out of my current mire) and music-wise I’m having a grand old time. But there’s something missing. Oh come on, we’ve been talking all these years, you know what I’m on about – nothing’s changed, it’s always about girls. It always will be. Everything else in my life could be perfect, but girls always make me crazy.

The disaster that was The Kim Experiment is still stinging. Like a cheap monster from a 1950s B-Movie she wasn’t who I thought she was, but she wanted to take over my life and generally grind me down and make me miserable. Jesus, she’s given me a life-long aversion to doing the dishes because doing them feels like some sort of defeat to her all-consuming ego.

But naturally the relief at being on my own couldn’t last and I’m sort of all over the place now. On the plus side, I’ve got loads of ideas for songs!

Back to London, sorry, I got distracted. You know that about me, I’m always off on tangents. I’ll get to the point – I was managing these feelings quite well but only because I was busy. And now I’m sitting around London in a hotel where the rooms feel like prison cells (some may say “but prison cells don’t have TVs!” and I will look at them sadly) and the hotel bar is filled with the execrable sounds of The Saturdays and my head is telling me to shut up and stop being so soft while everything else just says “I’m lonely”. Because I am. I have friends, I have family… all are good. All are valuable. But I know I’m missing something and I’m not prepared to compromise just to have someone unless they are that something.

And I sort of met that something and now I can’t do anything about it. Oh yeah, that was before I met you I guess but you should know: I’m the worst for trying to do the “right thing” while denying what I actually want. I denied it for quite a while until earlier this year when, soon as I saw her, I was utterly smitten. It didn’t help that Kim picked this night to whine like a rusted gate – it pretty much cast the deepest contrast available.

There it was though. It’s just a phase, I told myself. It wasn’t though and even I knew it. Instead I ended up staying away and then everything kind of collapsed when I came back from the US. Months of resentment burned up and the feeling of release and freedom when I was over the Atlantic became a bitter aftertaste as I realised what my life would become. So I said “enough”.

And from being in a position of doing the right thing for so long I didn’t want to anymore. But the window was gone and I’m not sure it’ll open again any time soon. What an idiot.

So now, I’ve got all this stuff in my head, no way of dealing with it and too many reminders to come.

Well done, David.